Quaint 994 SqFt Charleston Home Just Listed For $585,000


For just over half a million, you can snag yourself a piece of Charleston’s “rich history” – emphasis on “rich,” because that’s exactly what you’ll need to be to afford the 994 sqft listing at 439 Race St in downtown Charleston.

Let’s unpack this listing, shall we?

Living in the lap of luxury (on a budget):

  • “Charming two-bedroom, one-bathroom home”: Tight quarters with a shared shower, perfect for practicing your Charleston shuffle.

  • “In the heart of downtown Charleston”: Right in the heart of it all, y’all! That means overpriced boutiques, bachelorette parties galore, and enough foot traffic to make your head spin.
  • “Steps away from shopping, restaurants, and cultural attractions”: Steps away from spending all your money, that is. Be sure to pack your stretchy pants, because you’ll need them after indulging in the overpriced delights of Charleston’s culinary scene.

Bonus features (for a price):

  • “Original hardwood floors”: Perfect for that rustic, “olde tyme” feel, especially when you trip over the uneven planks in the dark.

  • “Private courtyard”: Private? In Charleston? Don’t be ridiculous. That courtyard is basically an outdoor stage for your neighbors’ opera-singing pug.
  • “Pets negotiable”: Because let’s be honest, the only thing that might be able to afford to live here besides you is a very, very small dog.

But wait, there’s more! For the low, low price of $585,000, you’ll also get the privilege of:

  • Living in a city that’s slowly sinking into the ocean: Waterfront property they say? More like waterfront… eventually.

  • Contributing to the outrageous housing market: Congratulations, you’re officially part of the problem!
  • Waving goodbye to your financial security: Say hello to ramen noodles and instant grits, your new Charleston staples.

So, what are you waiting for? This fixer-upper (emphasis on “upper”) could be yours! Just be sure to bring your checkbook, your sense of humor, and a healthy dose of denial. Because in Charleston, darling, you’re either living the dream or dreaming of living.

Disclaimer: This article is intended for satirical purposes only. Please don’t take it too seriously (unless you’re a Charleston real estate agent, in which case, you probably should). You can see the full listing at 439 Race St here.